Pitchfork Rate your Bathroom Experiences

7.5

Not bad today, didn't leave me feeling emptied like a 9.0+ might but it was an experience I could regularly get behind (double pun).

Post Thanksgiving / Black Friday morning gets a 7.9.

Felt like I relieved a lot of pressure but at the same time felt like something was held back. Not going to revisit this one very often knowing a more satisfying release is coming later today.

Friday morning sleepy eyed shit gets a 4.0:

This was essentially a brief interruption for my shitting drought, it was neither significant nor especially fulfilling. I can't honestly give a completely painless shit less than a 4.0, and at least it passed that test.

6.2

The pre-release hype for this was out of control; following so many hours of anticipation, how could this have been anything other than a letdown? The good news: few bombshells on the level of this ever clean up after themselves quite so thoroughly, and an ordeal I'd been anticipating with dread throughout the day turned out to be much ado about nothing. But praising this for what it wasn't lets it off the hook too easily. For all its potential and promise to kick off the weekend on a truly high note, this was a bathroom experience that merely reflected the gloomy day I'd trudged through to reach it and certainly didn't justify the manufactured delay I'd decided on just to experience it in the safety and comfort of home. Lesson learned.

The late Jose Saramago, Portugese winner of the Nobel Prize for literature, didn't even release his first book until he was in his sixties. Perhaps he was waiting to know for himself the whole truth about what he wanted to say before he tried to say it on record. Perhaps he was just busy living a life which would imbue him with the deep wisdom readers find inspiring in his novels. Regardless the reason, it is safe to say that his art, like a fine fine bottle of 21 year Laphroaig, benefitted from the long aging process.
Chicago born up-and-comer Ned Braden has, up till this point, operated more along the template of a Ryan Adams in the bathroom (well... for the record... This has been going on for the last few weeks, not entire career). No shit too half baked not to attempt. Quantity over quality. Though he's clearly a talented artist, access to facilities and limitless collaborators/restaurateurs has, in the eyes of many highbrow reviewer, done much to detract from his work. When will you commit to an idea, and build to it? This is the question such critics have been asking.
Well, this evening's session was just what the doctor ordered. While the rest of the country celebrated the holiday, Mr Braden set out on what appears to have been some sort of vision quest. Camping on the outskirts of Colonial Williamsburg, getting back in touch with his roots, and limiting his access to bathroom distractions for the past three days, Mr Braden returned to the studio this evening, a man on a mission.
Whereas recent efforts have been a collection of half assed sharts and noisey farts, he has clearly abandoned this all gas no mass strategy in favor of something more substantial. And this was evident even before he came to that unexpected second movement... perhaps I veer into the hyperbolic, but I daresay, your high brow enthusiast of the shit may liken it to the bathroom's "side two of Abbey Road."
Well, Mr Braden... Take this experience as a lesson. The more poos, the more you lose. Hold it in, everybody wins. We hope you will remember this when Christmas holiday at the folks' house rolls around.

9.3

This thread is going far better than I imagined, fantastic reviews Ned Braden and undo.

5.5

Expectations influence our experiences, like it or not. In the case of today's release, those expectations lead to a bittersweet feeling, at once relieving and disappointing. There was a two-day waiting period, the release being pushed back for unknown reasons, but based on the final product, the wait was in vain.

Initially expected to be a substantial drop, the latest release came with hardly a splash, landing flat and sinking before the experience had even ended. Structured in three distinct parts, it took a while for this one to really get started. Despite a fairly enjoyable middle third, the first act seemed as though there was a lot of energy to say a whole lot of nothing, while the final third took its time in cleaning up what the rest of the release started. To be fair, the middle third was smooth and, while it may not have made up for its bookends, left me feeling a bit lighter.

Had this one gotten to the point a bit quicker and shaved a bit of time off of the ending, I think I would have walked away feeling more excited but, given the circumstances, I've wiped this experience away. But there is still hope, and with that I look towards the horizon, expectations tempered but still in tact.

More often than not the noise created to generate an early buzz results in unfulfilled expectations.  Usually what is left wanting is a general lack of interesting output - certainly not enough to warrant the emotions invested in the early moments - and perhaps only enough to fuel what should have been a pre-release and not the over-hyped full drop.  Given time to stew and mature, a more solid and forgiving release usually benefits all parties involved.  Unfortunately for the Closet*of*Exhaustion, there was an unplanned premature leak which forced an early evacuation of what appears to be their unfinished materials.  
What may be shocking to most would probably be the overall volume that was in the works and has all of the earmarks of being rushed and unfinished into production.  What had C*o*E been doing to develop such a massive catalog of unfinished shit?  Bits and pieces of quality can be found upon inspection, but for this reviewer I'd literally prefer to flush this output down the toilet.  
Undeveloped immature garbage, 1.2

8.9

It is December and do you know what that means? It means every fucker that feels they owe you some kind of Xmas gift sends at least $5 in Starbucks gift cards your way. The last week alone I've spent over $20 in GCs at that horrible chain. This is the only time of year I drink it and it is basically a yearly cleanse. That coffee fucking drains my colon. I had a venti this morning and half way through the gurgling sounds from my stomach were audible 3 floors up or down. That is probably an exaggeration but when I squatted for some morning relief it was a near religious experience. Like seeing Radiohead during the OK Computer tour.

I've got $30 more in Starbucks GCs waiting to be used and I don't know if I have it in me to knock out 8.9s on a consistent basis. But you know what? I am going to give it everything I've got.

8.3

Easily the biggest shit I've taken this year, worth all the effort and then some. But the real star of the show here was my hallway bathroom's toilet, which easily took down the whole thing in one flush. I spent most of the last 4 years shitting in a toilet that would clog up if you looked at it the wrong way, so saddling this bad boy has been nothing less than a total game-changer. Hard to tell at this point how far we'll be able to push things in 2016 or which one of us will blink first, but trust me, you won't want to be anywhere close when that happens.

Last night: 3.2
This morning: 8.4

Irritable bowel syndrome is a bitch.

I don't know about U guys, but 4 me, back to back morning mega dumps R not uncommon. Unfortunately, these instances R rarely of equal consistency, the second dump a much more miserable albeit necessary experience which doesn't live up to the solid first effort in any aspect save 4 quantity. Think: Justin Timberlake: the 20/20 experience volumes 1 and 2.
Today, however, was more akin to Rubber Soul followed by Revolver. 2 monumental achievements that propelled the game forward and left me feeling satisfied and hopeful 4 even more future brilliance.
9.2/9.3

Ned Braden wrote:I don't know about U guys, but 4 me, back to back morning mega dumps R not uncommon.

These days I'm usually getting up at 5:00 am and the breakfast and hot coffee I force upon my still-slumbering bowels is an absolute necessity to begin the day. If I skip coffee I get a terrible headache. If I skip breakfast I end up weak and disoriented and completely useless by 9:00. If I go in 4 both then I'm surely in 4 a time-consuming and sometimes painful back to back, just like U said. I'm starting to wonder if I should try getting up at 4:00 just to give myself an extra hour just to cope with this.

R U getting up at 5:00 because of work obligations or because U're unable to sleep?

How would U rate that song, B?

I've been getting up at 5 am 4 about two weeks now, whereas I used to get up around 6:30, and I'm finding my average poos R so much more relaxed. I would reasonably assume some of the improvement is coming from having started to eat high-fiber cereals along with my morning coffee, but my body feels so much better from a poo perspective with the early morning.

JFC in some cost cutting move (I'm guessing) the office building swapped out the usual, subpar toilet paper 4 some non-perforated toilet paper.

Ripping a piece of duct tape with my teeth is eaiser.

3.9

That really hit the spot and I feel like I can go on living again

8.4

Ever take a dump so big it leaves you seeing stars for a few seconds?

9.1