by WP64 Tue Mar 11, 2014 1:30 am
I'm mostly just upset because at this point in my life it is way too much pressure to expect that I can actually do anything productive or impressive with my studies. I'm doing a mini-thesis with a graduate student here and it is just really difficult and exhausting. And next year I am doing a thesis project on my own with the help of my Deleuze & Foucault professor. It's such a cool opportunity and I have so much fun with it 98% of the time.
But then I realize how impermanent it is. Which sucks. I'm not going to be able to get into most graduate programs. Ideally I'd like to get right into a doctoral program where I could get a stipend. That would be awesome. I'd spend six years doing what I love, teaching a few classes, and getting paid enough to thriftily survive somewhere on my own. The likelihood of me actually being able to pull that off seems borderline impossible and so I just get really frustrated.
And assuming I do pull it off. One of the all-time greatest dudes I've ever met is a philosophy teacher here at DePaul. He recently finished his PhD (a year and a half ago I think) and has been unable to find any employment. That isn't surprising, obviously. But it is so fucked up to me that this guy is actually eating off food stamps because he likes to hang out and invigorate the lives of students. Thankfully DePaul has been nice enough to give him their leftover classes while he remains on a job search but that doesn't pay for shit.
All of this just compounds and makes me unbelievably pissed off when I encounter these pretentious, self-righteous professors. There are a million people that would take your job, do it better, and be cooler about it in the process. Like, how is someone actually interested in how the free market can solve the carbon emission crisis? He thinks it is so cool that companies can buy and sell each others shares of carbon output.
Either way. I love what I am doing now. I don't ever think that I am getting enough out of it. I feel an insane amount of pressure to pull things off that are beyond my capabilities. Shit like that. It is reading as anger but it just coming from a really deep-seeded frustration with what I think my future could be. I shouldn't be worried about it as much as I am. But fuck man.