Went silent one year ago tomorrow.
RPI.
RPI.
Ned Braden wrote:I still check this at least once or twice a month and get sad when it's the same Dog with COVID thing on top of the page.
Have we ever discussed Bots of New York?
https://poll.app.do/bot-of-the-year-2021?fbclid=IwAR2hA0c06wTZbN5soi7zzW7RW6RYdWDdLRI0C-jJRqMeXGxP3ICSxVbVo1w
“I was just in the middle of one of those ‘I wish I was a better me, but I be loving scrumptious pasta’ moments. I remember sitting on the stoop, surrounded by ripe figs, surrounded by open fields with brambles and a soft tap dancing in the distance. I heard a voice that sounded like a bowl of raw meat being squished over a loudspeaker with excessive low pass filtering. It said: ‘There’s going to be high cholesterol.’ The squelching increased as the voice came closer, repeating: ‘There’s going to be high cholesterol.’ Finally I saw a figure emerge from the brambles. And I knew immediately that it was Angel Nevada Sabercrust Gulperself. He was wearing a name tag and a pair of baggy, oversized classic Italian leather loafers. And he had a side dish in his hand that was glowing. It was the most scrumptious scrumptious pasta that I ever loved. But when the police arrived, the Deputy Chef said: ‘I regret to inform you that customers are limited to one bowl of Angel Nevada Noodles Alfredo.’ That was ten years ago already. It’s been hard on me. My cholesterol is through the roof. And prison pasta is no so scrumptious. Ciao!”
“I grew up on the edge of the city. I’d witnessed so many shootouts by the age of 15 that I joined the North Patrol under Lieutenant Leon Satanbag. The pay wasn’t bad, but the tendies were ‘greasy.’ The greasiest tendies of all were those of Chief Disqualified Functionary Agoraphobe. He downed twelve tendies a day at Tendie Tavern (and who knows how many more back at home). But he was a good man. He worked twelve hour days to feed his enormous black market tendie fetish (or ‘appetites’ as he called it). But he was a good man. And when the officials of the Tendie Compliance Department tried to disrupt his way of life, he didn’t even blink. He just walked over, and disemboweled each one with a standard issue ballpoint pen. I was touched by his culture. And I was moved by the show of confidence. I was working for the man. But Satanbag was a staunch critic of the tendie fetishists. And in 1986 he launched the Two Tendie Policy Of The North Patrol And Allied Ambiguous Organizations-- driving the final nail in the coffin of the tendieculture-- and leaving Chief Disqualified Functionary Agoraphobe to make do with a pair of greasy tendies per day. The Chief flipped the fuck out on Satanbag. He popped him up. He number one rapped the shit out of him. And he bought Satanbag a set of chipped veneers on his way out of the history books. I honestly never really understood the appeal of the tendie. But I guess it’s like Chief used to say: ‘Get the fuck out of my office.’”
“My biggest source of livelihood was selling illegal eels. I was young and relatively innocent. And I realized that I couldn’t survive. I had to get a job. So I became a battering ram. And I was the best damn battering ram in the business. Nobody ever looked down on me. Before long I was being recruited by Marcus Aurelius Magnum Peachfucker’s Ingress Squad. Our motto: ‘We’re reversible but we can’t reverse.’ One time we were on a mission down in the New York MTA tunnels. We were supposed to be clearing the tunnels of feral subway cars that had been infected with ADHD. But before the Ingress Squad could even start the siege engine, one of the attention seeking subway cars pulled eel on me. And the tunnels filled with the popular music of Alanis Morissette. Peachfucker shouted back at me from the front lines: ‘Did they pull eel on you?’ I was afraid to answer. I was afraid of what he might do. So I just nodded my head. But he couldn’t hear me. And so he shouted even louder: ‘Did they pull eel on you?’ I nodded again. He shouted: ‘I think I have bad reception down here. Did they pull eel on you?’ And so I finally shouted back at him: ‘They pulled eel on me Peachfucker, sir!’ His whole demeanor changed. He started screaming upstream: ‘I have to get out! I have to get away from the eels! I moved to America! I bought Grace a full water park! I want to live—well, dammit, I just want to live.’ And I don’t know if it was divine intervention or whatever-- but at that very moment Alanis Morissette sang the hook from that famous song of hers. She sang: ‘Marcus Aurelius Magnum Peachfucker! We’re reversible but we can’t reverse!’ And the whole Ingress Squad started singing along. And Peachfucker started sobbing. And the water park was full.”
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