old flames that don't quite die

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    jesus jones
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    old flames that don't quite die

    Post by jesus jones on Fri Dec 22, 2017 3:01 am

    every couple of years or so, a woman i had a strange, fraught, not-relationship with comes back into my world just a little bit. she now lives in australia and is in a happy relationship. i, of course, have been married for a little over 5 years to a woman i love deeply.

    but this woman in australia still kind of haunts me. we talk and i remember exactly how it felt to be 20 and deeply, primally, terrifyingly attracted to her. i imagine what it could've been.

    sometimes we talk about another universe in which we let whatever we had play out and it's kind of painful yet a really lovely world to briefly inhabit.

    i don't believe in soul mates or that's there's only one true love for any person. i wonder if my conversations with this woman are a window into another dimension of sorts; perhaps an acknowledgment of the absurdity of choice.
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    chrondog
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by chrondog on Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:43 pm

    jesus jones wrote:i remember exactly how it felt to be 20 and deeply, primally, terrifyingly attracted to her.

    mang

    i think a ton about the difference between that type of deep, instinctive longing versus the kind of built, cultivated, and maintained relationship we start to seek out as older people. for awhile i've pushed myself against the grain and tried to give people a chance who didn't spark that deep longing under the auspice that it was "mature" and that i would feel that connection when i was more comfortable with them. it's proven to be a bit of a folly. that primal understanding is very important to me personally.

    recently i've also been thinking about the quasi-romantic relationships we have with the opposite sex and what they mean. like the one you're describing where talking to this old flame stirs up all these strong emotions even though you're ostensibly just talking about your life and normal things. not every relationship needs to be neatly defined or 100% one thing or another. someone can be an old friend and romantic partner who makes you feel good even though you'll never get back together. good female friends can make you feel a similar way that your girlfriend might and that's okay.
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    Ned Braden
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by Ned Braden on Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:39 am

    About seven years ago I met a beautiful Turkish girl on an airplane and we had a casual relationship for a few months before she moved from London back to Istanbul. I have thought about her sporadically since, even while I was in what I thought to be a happy and fulfilling long-term relationship. One five-year broken marriage and another soul-shredding short-term love affair later, I get a message from her. We talk a little bit, and she gives me an invite to a ski trip in Vail this February. My hopes are already way too high, and I doubt it could amount to much of anything, but I'm seriously considering flying across country just to get my heart and head fucked up all over again.
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    chrondog
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by chrondog on Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:27 pm

    Ned Braden wrote:but I'm seriously considering flying across country just to get my heart and head fucked up all over again.

    haha, this is it.

    i say try to get as much distance as you can, low low lower those expectations, and just treat it like a great time to do something fun and reconnect with someone you really enjoy.

    a great time and relationship doesn't have to last forever.
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    C-poots
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by C-poots on Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:58 pm

    Ned Braden wrote: My hopes are already way too high, and I doubt it could amount to much of anything, but I'm seriously considering flying across country just to get my heart and head fucked up all over again.

    As someone who knows a thing or two about flying across the country just to get my heart and head fucked up all over again, I would say the only things you really have to lose here is the financial outlay of going and potentially a few weeks of being your jovial self. Do it so long as you know you have the strength to deal with the likely potential outcomes: 1) You go, the connection isn't there, you don't enjoy yourself, you're disappointed. 2) You go, the connection is there, she and you go your separate ways, and you've essentially added kindling to a fire that was nearly out which hurts more and burns longer. 3) You go and something comes of it, you change your life around again, could be amazing could blow up. etc etc.

    I'm personally still in a weird boat with the girl I fell for and moved across the country for, and basically anyone I've spoken with about it has felt that I should cut and run, but the heart does not think rationally. In my opinion, thats ok to follow the irrational lead so long as you have the counterbalance of using logic and predicting your personal possible outcomes. Will you or I get our 'hearts broken'? I mean, yeah theres a good chance of that, but in my case its a risk I'm willing to take because I know that if it works out the high will be much higher than the lowest of the lows. The lows would mean an incapacitating sadness for about a week and an emptiness for a few months, but ultimately life goes on and there's a lot more to living than living for someone else entirely.
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    Ned Braden
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by Ned Braden on Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:21 pm

    You guys know what's up. I'm basically on the "lower the expectations, find a way to make it make sense, and if the financial situation is looking good, go for it" boat at the moment. Would especially be cool to coordinate a skiing meetup with the little bro or somebody so as not to be entirely reliant on this chick for company/entertainment and also to avoid being presumptuous about sharing living space and whatever else may follow from that. Regardless, I need to stop falling behind with class shit, or this ain't happening!
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    jesus jones
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by jesus jones on Sat Jan 06, 2018 12:45 pm

    hey man, we're on a clock here. enjoy your life.
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    zappo
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    Re: old flames that don't quite die

    Post by zappo on Sat Jan 06, 2018 4:22 pm

    Do what you gotta/wanna do, Ned. Just look out for yourself, too, okay?

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