Did one of your friends ever develop a serious drug problem?

It's doubly fucked because I just keep getting calls from people I haven't talked to in years asking me how I'm doing and if I need any help because the assumption is that I should be fucked up about this, which isn't entirely wrong I guess but it does make me just feel strange and guilty. I just hate how this puts such a weird dark shadow on my high school experience and the beginning parts of college. And that it coincides with me having to finally put on my big boy pants and become an adult. At the exact moment where I'm making these moves I get dragged back into all of this and this weekend is gonna just feel like such a fucked up, surreal, tragic visitation of everything that was so totally wrong, but also so correctable, about high school.

I know that this happens to people, including a lot of you. So it isn't like this crazy unique thing or something and I guess the emotional process is going to work the way it does or something like that. But goddamn, I just feel really strange. I've spent this whole day just totally zoned out. I'm not sure if I should tell my teachers what is up or if that would just make it even more fucked up. Or if I should just try to put my head down and distract myself for a while and then after a month or so I will have the necessary distance from it to actually understand this. I mean last night when I wrote that first post it actually just didn't seem real at all. It's funny that people are already talking about it in the past tense. Of course because of fucking iPhones I have like years of saved conversations and shit too and all this shit gives you the weird morbid feeling that you can somehow still communicate with them. Which when I do allow myself to think about it I just end up getting so mad. I wish I could just ask him what the fuck he was thinking about or something.

Fuck me. I don't know...

Hey WP, I've lost quite a few friends before I hit 20 years old, and one case sounds very familiar to what you are going through. If you need someone to vent to feel free to PM me.

I don't know what kind of leeway your professors might give you. I think it'd be a good idea to talk with someone with the university about it. I'd also recommend using the counseling services. You have a lot to sort out and there's no shame in getting some help doing it.

Thanks C-Poots. I have a lot of really strong support from friends and family but that is a very nice gesture. And yeah, I reached out to one of my professors last night and he was very nice about it. I'm going to reach out to my thesis adviser today in person since it isn't really possible for me to be reading 200 pages of critical social theory right now.... He is the best dude ever so I'm sure that will be fine too.

I don't really wanna seek counseling, at least right now. After I have some time and can think about it in a real way maybe I'd do something like that though. It's unbelievable how many calls and texts I have gotten. It's really awkward but also super cool of everyone. Even though this guy was a flaming asshole to basically everyone he ever knew (with the exception of me actually) its cool to see that people care enough to fly all the way across the country to pay their respects. I hope that gives his family some comfort to see all of these people who he was able to impact in some way...