Do you non dads want to have kids?

Logically, having kids is selfish and ridiculous, right?

I still want to do it more than anything. I'm not sure if I believe that a human being can actually be "successful," but if it's possible, I think having children is one of like only three or four ways to do it. Also, I'm good with kids. I like playing around and being super psyched and positive about every damn thing, and in that way I can usually relate pretty well to children. I also think it'd be good for me and my own mental state.

2020 is shaping up to be a really meaningful year for me, and I may actually find my way into a stable life with an optimistic future. If ever there was a time...   it's probably in like 2 years. But my girlfriend suffers from severe mental illness and isn't sure if she wants to go this route not least of all for fear of passing unwanted genes to a kid. Any child we'd make would have a super high chance of being bright and talented, but maybe an even higher chance of being horribly depressed. Adoption is definitely a solution that both negates this worst case scenario and is neither selfish nor ridiculous. But I am a greedy man motivated by the asshole biology that defines our stupid stupid species, and so I really just want to have a kid with my own narcissitic jerkstore dna. AITA? Probably.

Have I made this thread before? Feels very familiar.

I don't know

love being around my nephew, also enjoy the fact that I can just go do something else whenever I get bored of playing with him

always assumed I'd want to have children in my early 30s but now I'm 28 and that's no longer something that I want to happen

Ned Braden wrote:Logically, having kids is selfish and ridiculous, right?

I would not say this at all, no.

I really don't want any and I don't think I'd be a good father.

I have my reasons for feeling this way and I hope they're not as common or widespread as I feel like they might be.

I don't want to have children who will only have a few decades, at most, to live.  And who will contribute to their own (and our world's) demise simply by virtue of existing.  Too dark for me. Would be happy to adopt if my health were better, if money were in greater supply, and if I hadn't been single for nearly four years.

I was firmly in the no kids mindset for a long time. And then it happened and it’s the greatest thing in my life. I can’t imagine life without them and can’t recall what life was like prior to being a parent.

Each day they exhibit some kind of thoughtfulness, empathy and sense of humor that proves to me they will not only be better people than I am but the world will be better when their generation comes of age.

The biggest downside is that kids become instantly your biggest weakness. I drift off all the time thinking about them. Wondering what they’re up to, if they’re having a good day at school or just laughing at some memory I have. At the same time you can be stricken with fear worrying about them and knowing that you would literally kill for them or die for them is unbelievably overwhelming.

But yeah, having kids is incredible and I love it.

zappo wrote:I don't want to have children who will only have a few decades, at most, to live.  And who will contribute to their own (and our world's) demise simply by virtue of existing.  Too dark for me.  Would be happy to adopt if my health were better, if money were in greater supply, and if I hadn't been single for nearly four years.

You keep insisting on this but even the most aggressive climate change models do not suggest the extinction of the human species on the matter of "a few decades." So really right now you are just being a dumbass. What my generation and future generations will have to deal with is the return of scarcity economics on a global scale, which is going to create millions of climate refugees and really destabilize our own liberal institutions both here in the States and other parts of the "developed," "advanced," "Western" world. Those are things we are going to have to confront. With the right political leadership, it is also something that we can manage.

Ned, I think you'd be a good father. This is a decision to make with your partner. I mean, sure, it is realistic to think about the state of the world as you go about planning, or not planning, to start a family. It would be irresponsible to do otherwise. But no, having children is not irresponsible. A little Braden would be a welcomed addition to this world.

I think you're typically misunderstanding the difference between the consequences of the exact situations you describe (the return of scarcity economics on a global scale, which is going to create millions of climate refugees and really destabilize our own liberal institutions both here in the States and other parts of the "developed," "advanced," "Western" world--ie, a planet unable to sustain as many billions of people as would include my hypothetical children...meaning loss of life, believe it or not) and extinction, which I never mentioned.

Nice try, though, dumbass!

But I do agree that Ned has high good father potential.

zappo wrote:I don't want to have children who will only have a few decades, at most, to live.

Am I missing something? You made a statement that any child born today only would have a few decades to live. If that isn't a reference to the extinction of the human species, then I guess my own reading comprehension just really sucks.

Came upon a passage in the book I'm reading where the 41-ish main character is contemplating this same question, and for whatever ways you find yourself lacking, Ned, this guy's way more of a fuck up than basically anyone. So I'll paraphrase a sentence he thinks to himself, if only to amuse myself:

Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that bringing another beastly mutant Ned Braden into the world was not by definition a bad idea.

I will never try and persuade someone who doesn’t want to have kids to have them.

I do think a lot of parents who have kids probably shouldn’t, or do it for narcissistic reasons.

I think anyone who questions the idea of being a father or mother beforehand shows some sensitivity that a good father or mother should have. I can’t judge your character Ned but I think the fact that you even question it is a good thing.

Becoming a parent for me has transformed my life in some amazing ways but also has been difficult and limiting in other ways. I don’t look at being a father as a selfish thing, maybe because of how it went down for us. The moment I became a father her life, her needs were paramount.

fuck no

Not having kids probably sucks when you're old. And broke, which I'm just taking for granted is going to be my case if I'm "fortunate" enough to live to 80 or whatever.

jesus jones wrote:fuck no

Starting to come around to this view in a major way

undo wrote:Not having kids probably sucks when you're old. And broke, which I'm just taking for granted is going to be my case if I'm "fortunate" enough to live to 80 or whatever.

tbh i’m not convinced i’ll make it that far

When you're a dad, do you still feel like hanging out with your child-free bros? Or do thing suddenly (or slowly) change and you stop being able to relate to those people anymore?

Just wondering.

Or maybe it's not even a matter of whether or not you want to, maybe you just can't anymore and that's that and matters such as whether or not you "relate" to certain people anymore are just not even part of the equation???

My experience has been that it’s hard to relate for both sides. But that actually takes a few years. Those friends phased me out because they probably got bored with me turning down invites to go out.

I was too tired or preferred staying in because I was worried I’d miss something the kids did or said.

I get the urge to have a night of drinking every once in a while but not often. Besides my hangovers lasting all day, I’d just prefer to chill at the house with the family watching a show/movie or playing a board game. My best friends have kids so we occasionally do family cookouts which is good enough for me.

BGwaves wrote:My best friends have kids so we occasionally do family cookouts which is good enough for me.

Did all your best friends have kids?

Or did the ones that did not have children end up getting relegated out of Best Friend status?

I only consider a few people ‘best friends,’ so, yes, they did. The others may have dropped me, tbh. A lot of the friends I made in college and after were work friends or party friends which are loose relationships at best. I’m a horrible barometer for this question, just dawned on me!

I'm finally at the age where I'm thinking, "I don't".

One obviously grows up thinking that having kids is something you should do because your parents birthed you. It's always something I have felt like I would eventually do because, "what else is there to do?"

Now, I feel like my default is trending towards "no" and I would need to find an extremely compelling reason to swing back around.

There's enough things for me to do and experience without children, I feel.

That all being said, a lot of my friends stopped keeping up with/hanging out with me as soon as they got a long-term girlfriend. Most people don't even need kids to ignore everyone they know!

I used to have this recurring dream where I would find a new room in my house, one that was exciting and strange to me but still felt familiar like my home. If I were to make a pros/cons list of having kids, the cons would outweigh the pros in number. I don't think it'd be particularly close. But if that house I dreamt about could make a metaphorical stand-in for love, then having a kid is like finding a new room in that home. Both my kids made me feel the same way - like the bounds of love had been amended to include a brand new form that was unknown to me prior. I know this thread and poll isn't for me, and even though there are days where my wife and I would rather not have kids, I would always make the same choice if given the opportunity.

I think the advice I'd give would be if you or your partner are on the fence, don't.

My eldest has just started school, before that we were paying £1400+ a month in nursery fees for two children. That's more than our mortgage and that is with a heavy discount for the eldest.