going through some shit right now

would be cool to able to let relationships with people i have real feelings for progress naturally instead of wanting/expecting exclusivity after a month out of neediness and insecurity

oof, i had one of those nights last night.

it's not even that i am emotionally incapable of handling the ambiguity or the waiting for something good. i've done that countless times; i respect that other people have their own experiences that don't revolve around me. it's that the longing to skip the coy, early period of guardedness and move into something with real emotional resonance is so strong.

i don't need them to be anything in particular, i just want them to want to be around.

yeah

that feeling of ambiguity inevitably turns into childish and irrational feelings of inadequacy on my part that i can't get over. oh well

yes, that's what i find. intellectually i'm capable of putting things in perspective and being patient, but emotionally i feel inadequate and self-destructive in those moments of stillness. i know it's wrong to rely on other people to motivate yourself, but i don't what else i'm motivated by other than not being alone.

i'm working on getting abs so attractive women will want to hang out with me even if my personality sucks.

Thank you for your interest in SoFi. At this time, we're unable to refinance your student loans due to estimates of monthly cash flow and credit history. But don't worry, our review of your credit history has not impacted your credit score.

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Walking through the supermarket. All this food is unappealing, but I need to eat. Also, “jingle bell rock” is playing.

God damn, that sucks Undo. I don’t have much experience with that stuff, but sounds like the worst kind of nightmare.

Ned Braden wrote:God damn, that sucks Undo. I don’t have much experience with that stuff, but sounds like the worst kind of nightmare.

It's really not, I'm fine or at least as fine as anyone can be in a financial situation like the one I'm in, which is tolerable if you can let go of the inherited expectation of "doing better than your parents" and don't mind driving a car that may or may not literally rust out in 2018.

I'd gotten advice to try to refinance and figured it wouldn't hurt to look into it, but I guess that stuff is for people who get recruited out of college into $60K a year jobs or something at age 23 or whatever.

Undo what do you do as a profession?

Medical imaging, basically.

I suppose it actually pays very well but I am part time and so it doesn't, at least not right now.

I have a few other gigs that I'm making extra dough through, some taxed and some not, but it guess all that doesn't quite add up to what anyone here would call real money.

Man, I'm broke as shit. You sound like the biggest of all ballers.

I estimated my income for the year the other night based on the past four months of wages and multiplied by three. It was such a small amount that I don't even feel comfortable posting it here.

Oh, there's no fucking way I'd post them shits. I've got a pretend reputation to maintain.

I'm just trying to be lighthearted. I hope that that's clear. I'm not trying to tell you to shut up and stop complaining. I'm just saying that you're not alone. I feel you, B.

Oh, I know.

The longer post that would follow this isn't really coming together for me like I thought it would, but yeah, I know you're not literally judging me or anyone else here.

I really hope that things start looking up much sooner than later.

Since my dad died my mom has literally avoided me because (I think this is the reason) I felt he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I was very supportive throughout his ALS and let a lot go, did not make any scenes, respectful etc.

At his funeral I was making rounds and my dumb aunt and her family sat at the head of the table in my spot. I've been in too many fights as the black sheep so I let them sit there. I brought it up to my brother and the story is "people encouraged you to sit there but you didn't want to"

Throughout my life in the family, members have done very disrespectful things to me then either denied it happened or blamed me for the interaction. It's so tiresome and not worth it any longer.

My brother also told me I was full of shit and making up stories of how I've been treated.

They all treat me like crap, who needs them. It's sad because I'm honestly friendly and reasonable. At least I have my wife and daughter. It's just lonely.

Sorry to hear that, man. Family can be a drag.

Duff... wrote:Family can be a drag.

doing a scary career transition!@!

What are you up to.

leaving music writing, hopefully, as well as the crushing debt it gave me

dont want to jinx it though

How’s life in NY?

im back in chicago!